— closed

[loyaldog]

( regret was a powerful sensation that still ate at nana as the days went on and the more time that passed between that eventful night and her current day, the more she found herself ruminating over the mistakes she made. she hadn't told anyone she was pregnant— it was guessed by that man and before she could even think of what to do or say, she was swept up in what he had to offer her. she rationalized it back then, 'this is the best thing for nobu', and 'i don't want to give up this baby so the only way this is possible is by going with him'. yet the more time she spent locked away in that apartment, being mistreated and pushed to the wayside as takumi continued on with his own endeavors and affairs, the more the relationship she had with nobu seemed to be idealized in her mind. she was doing so much better, growing to become independent and to actually provide support for someone else and yet—

like always she fell right in.

what finally broke the straw was that phone call. the other woman, or perhaps she was the other woman? nana couldn't really tell with takumi really, after all he never made promises of being loyal, of her being the only one. the other nana had warned her after all, he was a playboy. still she fell in head first for the shred of comfort he offered her back then, reeling from the emotional pain of being cheated on in such a brutal and public manner. now she was truly stuck with him so when the call came, all she could do was pretend to be the maid, someone unattached to takumi and to inform her that he would be coming to paris after all. he had told her it was a business trip but of course she quickly deduced that was a side trip.

whatever it was, influenced by the hormones or just how emotionally fragile she already was, nana found herself crying herself to sleep for nearly a week straight. she'd spend her time in bed looking at the photos she had of nobu, whatever she could recover after takumi forced her to delete and destroy whatever evidence she had of a life before him. although he didn't tell her, he wanted to be the winner after all didn't he? and yet here she was, feeling completely alone, dejected and like an utter loser.

it was finally on that final night of the week, a sunday with her lying in bed full of tears in her eyes after another particularly rough sexual encounter with takumi that she looked at her phone and at nobu's number. takumi had gone off to the airport and she was left to collect the pieces yet again, wondering if she should even stay, if she should even be loyal to a man who could only view her as a prize. as property to use and handle as he wished.

with a soft breath she lifted the phone up to her face and began to type away, over and over again deleted and re-writing before finally hitting send. )

nobu this is nana komatsu.

I wanted to apologize for how things ended, I am so sorry. I wish....I could erase the pain I caused you.

I know nothing I could say could change anything so please try and forgive me. things aren't—

( should she really tell him? should she admit it? these were the thoughts she grappled with before typing away. she would apologize to nana too she decided. )

what they seem. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

( that's the best she could do for now, the strength she could summon before she closed her flip phone and tossed it before her, hiding her face as if to hide from nobu. )

Comments

[lowtolerance]

[ as the weather only continues to get cooler, nobu finds himself missing summer more and more. it's easy enough to tell himself that it's because autumn has brought too many changes all at once, and that summer was the last time things felt easy and free. no dorms. no label. (no paparazzi.) just too-long days hopping from his job to a gig or a rehearsal (or both), but spending the rest of his free time idling away around a table with the others.

with hachi.

he struggles to swallow that name down, to call her real name if he ever has to mention her at all. if he can just compact all of their memories together down tightly enough, it might be enough to pack the wound left behind, the void of her absence. he struggles so much that, more than once, left on his own in the narrow bed of his room, he'd held his phone over his face, small screen brighter than should be possible in the dark, thumb hovering over her name in his address book.

what would he even say to her now? how's the new apartment? how's the baby? how's that guy? small talk should be the easiest thing; how many breezy conversations has he had with guests at the inn growing up, or customers looking for their new favorite record? why is it that the only thing he can think to say to her would be an outpouring of grief, of frustration, of guilt, and of hope he can only think is incredibly misplaced, no matter what nana tells him. he's lost. he fumbled the best girl he could've met, all for being too cowardly to fight for her.

and here he lies again, alone in bed after firmly, almost forcefully locking the door in yuri's face. obviously he craves the company, but...not like this. his heart aches today worse than usual, maybe because it's been just about a month since move-in, two months since it all happened. and it's enough to have him imagining the letter icon on his phone flashing on, hachi's name in the from field, subject line starting with his name.

ah, shit, wait—he clicks. he sits up. his eyes widen and he scans the text at least half a dozen times, pinches himself (a little too hard, maybe) to ensure he's not just sleeping or dazed from overwork. well...even if he is, it's better to just reply, right? while he has the courage. it's the least he can do for her, for being braver than he's ever shown her he could be. ]

You don't have anything to apologize for.

You did what's best for you.

[ For your family he writes, then erases. ]

In my heart, you're already forgiven, so don't worry about that, okay?

But, if it's all right with you, I'd like to have a talk about things.

Let me know.

[ the words come a little too easily, need revision, removal, rethinking. what he eventually sends isn't at all what he wanted to say, but it's close enough.

he snaps his phone shut and leaves it on his chest, his arm coming up to cover his face. maybe he'll just fall asleep at last instead of waiting up for a reply that surely won't come. ]

[loyaldog]

( it took her sometime to respond because truthfully she was still battling the intense guilt she felt about even messaging him in the first place. she had no right to come crawling back to him like this, to ask for forgiveness in such a cowardly manner. perhaps it was better to just wish for him to ignore her message all together and be angry with her. she sure was now in retrospect— after all, she hadn't properly broken up with either men, simply dredging up feelings and emotions before properly settling things.

as she remained there on her bed, she curled her legs up to her stomach. by now it had been three months since everything went down and while things seemed blissful at first, it quickly came crumbling down. she almost wanted nobu to respond in a way, to tell her off to insult her and to put her down. she swore long ago she wouldn't be like shoji and she wouldn't hurt anyone like she had been hurt and yet nana had done just that.

by the time the ding came from her phone, she looked off to the side before staring down at the device with a stern but nervous expression. she wasn't sure what to expect here, what to say or what to do really. should she open her phone up? was she brave enough to face the aftermath of her careless actions? she wasn't sure and yet the curiosity was killing her far worse than any cruel words nobu might hurl at her.

so finally after a brief moment of deliberation, she reached for her phone and opened it up, staring at the words before her. he was far too kind to someone like her, far too understanding and forgiving. all things considered he could have been the father really and he had a right to demand things of her but she knew deep down it wasn't going to happen.

this was truly the best she could do for him— )

you don't have to forgive me but thank you. that's far too kind of you really.

but I can do that, it's the least I can do after everything. do you want to meet somewhere?

( she's almost tempted to tell him takumi will be gone for almost an entire month but that didn't matter at this moment. she wanted to shield nobu from that man as much as she could and not even mention him.

yet deep in her heart, she knew she would eventually tell him things weren't as happy as they seemed. her perfect little family was off to a bad start already. )

[lowtolerance]

[ seconds turn to minutes, and he's left wondering why he even answered so quickly to begin with. sure, he's drafted at least a dozen messages to her in his head over the last few months, even actually typed a couple of them out before deleting the work. but there'd been no reason to send them, in his mind, regardless of the way nana nudged him, or yasu encouraged him, or even shin told him to quit moping about it already. she wasn't his anymore, by her own choice, and the last thing he'd ever want to do is cling to her when she didn't want to be held anymore. not by him, anyway.

so why was it so easy to pretend like none of the hurt was there anymore? just like that? ]

Tonight?

No, that's stupid

[ there's more he wants to say, but his thumb has other plans, it seems, slipping to hit send before he's composed his thoughts. he takes it as a sign—a humiliating sign, but a sign nonetheless. her response is too heavy, blaming herself for getting swept up, as if she'd be the only one involved or in control of things. of course he aches to see her again, hesitant as he is, and his hands were going to tell the truth now where his racing thoughts and stubborn mouth have been failing. of course he'd sneak out tonight despite the backlash he'll get in the morning for it, rolling up sleepless to rehearsal as long as it means getting to see her again. hell, even shelling out the cab fare just to get to and from to her neighborhood if it meant a private place to meet...and that she wouldn't have to go too far for what might not even be a meeting she wants.

but maybe she does want it, even half as badly as he does. and so he doesn't finish his thought just yet. he'll let it sit for a few minutes, not as bait but out of curiosity.

...and maybe a little bit as a spark to ignite his hope, and let it starting flickering back to life in a way he doesn't think he deserves. ]

[loyaldog]

( she shouldn't do this, it's a thought ruminating in her mind as his new text comes in and the words leave her heart racing and skin hot with remembrance of their past love. that jovial eagerness, playfulness he showed her before came sweeping into her mind and it reminded her of the thoughts she once had when she held him in her arms before. this was a man who needed her, who she wanted to grow and mature for, to be strong and provide him all the love she wanted for herself. back then she had been so desperate and needy, yearning for a man to come save her and fill in the emptiness in her. when the tables were turned, she was more than willing to step in.

so what happened? why did she run from him and leave things in such a chaotic state of disarray? why couldn't she be brave enough to face him when takumi came sweeping in, taking full control of her life and the outcome of everything? because she had been protecting him—

she knew if she stayed with him, carrying that child, he'd be forced to give up his dream. so why couldn't she say that to him? explain her rational? she had acted in the same way takumi had really, stooping down to his level and rationalizing things as being best for him without consulting him.

so when he asked to meet her tonight, as simple as the request was, it was the least she could do for him really. so she began to text him, sitting up in her bed as the darkness of the room replaced the blue in her mind. )

jackson burger okay? it's been a while since I've had one and I'm really craving a bacon burger you know?

( it was yes, masked with a bit of light humor to counter the heaviness of their conversation. now all she had to do was wait and see if he would agree to it—

because if he did, she would rush to chofu as quickly as she could, fear, anxiety, and more driving her movements. )

[lowtolerance]

[ he doesn't deserve this. as his heart leaps into his throat at her reply, it's the first real thought he has. he's been a coward; he's been selfish. he's been a million things that takumi, for all his many (many) faults hasn't been for her. yet somehow, in the end, it seems all he'd had to do to convince hachi to look his way again...was ask.

it's been awhile since he's felt quite this stupid. but it's a feeling he's willing to weather, even with a smile starting to tug at the corner of his mouth as he writes his own reply. an immediate, simple, dam-breaking— ]

Definitely.


[ the real hazard, of course, isn't the shame of crawling back to a girl he'd all but abandoned. in order to do that, he's got to sneak out through the heavy door and creaky floors of the dorms, praying that the sound of the elevator groaning all the way from the sixth to the first floor doesn't wake any of the others. the one thing on his side, perhaps, is that he trusts miu (mostly) not to say anything. she's guaranteed to be awake, but a simple explanation and a polite request would get her to keep his secret.

he just has to be back before anyone else is up. and it's the assumption that any of these night owls are sleeping at all that he clings do as he rummages for clean clothes, his wallet, and a hat to cover up his unstyled hair. chofu is a hell of a lot closer than he'd banked on, at least, but he still doesn't want to risk being the second to arrive. being given this kind of opportunity, even as his nervous harden to cement in his gut, isn't something he's going to take lightly. and if he waits all night to be disappointed in the end, well, at least he can say he finally tried. even though it's the bare minimum he can do for her, especially now.

and so, one (slightly rushed, very over-zealous) cab ride later, he sits across from familiar dark steps, creepers barely brushing the ground. he should be far enough, and the night should be quiet enough, for him to attract too much attention while he waits. he'd opted for an unusual silhouette anyway though, beret angled sharply, complementing a somewhat less ragged pair of jeans and oversized flannel than normal. his callused fingertips rub, impatient, anxious, along the cement holding wall he's perched on. and every few seconds his eyes dart in the opposite direction, waiting for her familiar shape. trying to keep as grounded as he can despite his nerves still telling him to run.

it's not the threat of fans or paparazzi, or even takumi that scares him. he's simply not quite prepared to be rejected a second time. ]

[loyaldog]

( her heart was beating faster than it had any right to, and the moment he sent his confirmation, all of the sullen depression that kept her anchored down to the bed she shared with a man who barely even liked her, had all but melted away. all that remained was a combination of complex feelings— guilt for going to see him without telling takumi, anger towards takumi for the way he had been treating her, guilt for how she had treated nobu, and a small smidge of hope wrapped up. this was exciting in a strange and bizarre way and despite going to see him to clear the air about things [was that really why she was doing this? no she wanted comfort for the poor choices she made], the way she dressed up for this outing almost made it seem like she was going on a date.

she put on red lipstick that he had complimented before, a soft pink flowy dress with a mint green cardigan, and wedge sandals to complete the look. any other woman in her position [married, a child on the way], would have dressed down more but she didn't. she wanted to still keep her appearance kempt as much as possible— the reasons why, for nobu, were a mystery even to her. she didn't want to acknowledge it.

soon though she sent him a quick message indicating she was on her way and headed out the door, calling a taxi though her own phone instead of using the apartment's lobby receptionist to do it. there was something so painfully hypocritical about being kept under a strict eye when her keeper was off doing as he pleased around the world. it made her sick to her stomach when she thought about it for too long, so she decided to focus on something else as the taxi finally came by.

as she looked at her phone on the ride over, all she could think about was how prior to her finding the courage to finally message him, was how his contact in her phone seemed to scream at her every time she looked at it. how many times had she looked at his name and wanted to message him? to reach out and make a connection only for his name to seemingly ask why she took everything away, why she didn't fight harder for him. why did she take everything away? to protect him she kept reminding herself but now she wasn't so sure. she was coming to see him and for what? to hurt him? to find comfort in someone over her own woes?

it wasn't fair and she nearly spoke out to the cab driver to stop the car— she was going to bolt out and run away again. before she could though, they were already there at that infamous restaurant, the bright lights illuminating the sidewalk and her inside of the cab. slowly she got out, paying the fair [oh how innocent were those days when a single cab fair from tokyo to chofu would have cost her a week's worth of food], and standing out by the door. she swallowed down nervously, fidgeting and wondering if she should just leave.

strangely despite her own reservations, her legs propelled her forward and began to walk towards the entrance before spotting nobu and feeling a faint blush creep on her face. despite the chaos of everything, much like with shoji, she just wanted to be friends with him despite everything. for the mess of it all to evaporate and leave them, only leaving a comfortable friendship. much like with him though, she became painfully aware that wasn't possible.

what she didn't know though was she'd be getting more than what she bargained for by meeting nobu. in hindsight, probably a good thing. )

Hey....I hope the ride to here wasn't too expensive.

( those are the first words she's able to say to him. outside of the restaurant there was only them, the music from inside blasting through and drowning out any other voices nearby. yet despite that all she could hear was her own heart beating, loud and aggressive against her ears.

for now she remained silent though, waiting to see how'd he react to seeing her. )